Today's post is not going to be about fashion, nor books nor even music. Don't even know what is going to be about... I just have some ideas and I'm writing them all down.
Thus, motivation.
That's something I've been lacking lately. But is not just on school. Is in everything! And with my motivation-less I become angry with myself because I don't want that feeling, or better I want it, consequently I turn confused and don't have any clue on how to change it a find a new motive to be motivated... Oh, God being a teenager is tough... and tiring... Really.
One thing that happened today did not help to the resolution on the motivation problem.
You know that thing you feel for a person who once was almost a friend but then he/she does something that hurts every cell on your body for quite a long time? Well I have that feeling for some people.
We were not friends but we got along somehow, we were at the time "forced" to be together and talk to each other because there wasn't anyone else, and by that time I thought, because after I discovered that I was the only one who thought, we were growing some kind of friendship, nothing too serious nor permanent, obviously I knew that from the beginning but something...
After some time the person did some bad actions towards myself that we ended the school year without talking to each other. For the best, I think.
And todayI saw this who. After almost 2 years we passed in the same street at the same time.
When these scenes happen, we humans like to express somehow that we are happy and way better than before, right? Normally we laugh.
I did laugh. I did look to my converse tennis shoes. I did look straight. And of course I did look at the person.
He/he wasn't alone so just continued talking and doing... you know, do what people do when they are walking with friends. We for a thousandth of second lock eyes. Maybe "lock" isn't the best word but it's what I can remember now.
I saw what the person was wearing - jeans and a very colourful hoodie - and I'm sure the other did the same with me. He/She looks the same although the new hair cut.
At that moment when this human become just one more human being on the street behind me, I tried to understand everything that I felt. I searched for pain. Any kind. And realized I didn't had any. I didn't felt anything. It was like the person was just somebody I met a long ago and life had departed us naturally.
Obviously I did thought about what he/she thought at that moment did the person recognize me? I don't know but I'm almost sure the answer is yes. Did the person think I look happy? Looked better? I don't know.
Honestly have no idea if this absence of feelings is a good or bad thing. I hope for good.
But then again I know from the bottom of my heart that I will never forget or forgive. Not in this life, at least.
Wow, I have never told anyone this before.... I'm surprised with myself that I wrote it.
If you were patient and kind to read everything, well, thank you and I'm sorry for the "boring" post. I promise tomorrow won't be anything like it ;)
xx
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